CREEPY STATEMENTS – These are reputedly real!

I found these really awesome and paradoxical punchlines which can make you laugh through MetaCafe.

1. I’m a nobody.  Nobody is perfect, and therefore, I’m perfect.
2. I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.
3. If I save time, when will I get it back?
4. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
5. I am free of all prejudices: I hate everyone equally.
6. Take my advice. I don’t use it anyway.
7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work.
11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
15. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

BLACK MAN POEM – Anonymous

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
When I die, I black

It don't matter if you're black, white of yellow if you're brown or red ...

You “white” folks …

When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
When you bruised, you purple
When you die, you grey

So, who you calling
“Coloured folks”?

NOTE: I post this poem as an unusually beautiful one in broken English and for a better world without a racial curse.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers.  He became dismayed after reading the enclosed card that expressed “Deepest sympathy”.  While he was puzzling over the message, his phone rang.  It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

“Oh, it’s Okay!” said the storekeeper.  “I’m a businessman – I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” the florist added.  “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral.”

“Well, what’d it say?”

“Congratulations on your new location,” was the reply.

DREAMS & ASPIRATIONS – Quotations

These are some things I found on FollowYourDreams.com.

If you can imagine it you can create it. If you can dream it, you can become it.

William Arthur Ward

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When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live.

Samuel Johnson

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Dwell as near as possible to the channel in which your life flows.

Henry David Thoreau

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Life is a cup to be filled not drained.

Anonymous

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If one is the master of one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time insight into and understanding of many things.

Vincent Van Gogh

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What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible.

Theodore Roethke

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Luck is when opportunity knocks and you answer.

Anonymous

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

Henry David Thoreau

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Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually.

Eileen Caddy

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Magic has often been thought of us the art of making dreams come true; the art of realizing visions. Yet before we can bring birth to the vision we have to see it.

Starhawk

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Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Your words are the greatest power you have. The words you choose and the use establish the life you experience.

Croquette Sonia

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Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities.

Sue Ebaugh

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Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.

Sarah Bernhardt

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The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can’t be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.

Harry Emerson Fosdick

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If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Henry David Thoreau

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The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Eleanor Roosevelt

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Dream is not a revelation. If a dream affords the dreamer some light on himself, it is not the person with closed eyes who makes the discovery but the person with open eyes lucid enough to fit thoughts together. Dream- a scintillating mirage surrounded by shadows- is essentially poetry.

Michel Leiris

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Where all is but dream, reasoning and arguments are of no use, truth and knowledge nothing.

John Locke

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In bed my real love has always been the sleep that rescued me by allowing me to dream.

Luigi Pirandello

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You see things; and you say “Why?” But I dream things that never were; and I say “Why not?”

George Bernard Shaw

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If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau

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Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.

John Updike

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Dream & Aspire

It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.

James Henry

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In your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go and sheltered so may thrive and grow.

Louise Driscoll

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Your aspirations are your possibilities.

Samuel Johnson

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Be careful what you set your heart on, for it will surely be yours.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The best is yet to be.

Robert Browing

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Beware how you take away hope from any human being.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

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We must all obey the great law of change. It is the most powerful law of nature.

Edmund Burke

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Do not seek to follow the footsteps of the men of old. Seek what they sought.

Basho

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What would be the use of immortality to a person who cannot use well a half an hour.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

Gautama Buddha

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It may be that those who do most, dream most.

Stephen Leacock

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Always dream and shoot higher than you know how to. Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.

William Faulkner

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Goals that are not written down are just wishes.

Anonymous

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There are only two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Albert Einstein

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There comes a moment when you realize that virtually anything is possible- that nothing is too good to be true.

Kobi Yamoda

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What is now proved was once imagined.

William Blake

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I never believed in trying to do anything. Whatever I set out to do I found I had already accomplished.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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The timeless in you is aware of life’s timelessness; and knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream.

Kahlil Gibran

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Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Kahlil Gibran

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Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion.

Arthur Koestler

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There is a woman at the beginning of all great things.

Alphonse de Lamartine

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The man who succeeds above his fellows is the one who early in life clearly discerns his object, and towards that object habitually directs his powers.

Earl Nightingale

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We are near waking when we dream we are dreaming.

Friedrich Novalis

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A cathedral, a wave of storm, a dancer’s leap, never turn out to be as high as we had hoped.

Marcel Proust

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Things don’t change, but by and by our wishes change.

Marcel Proust

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Everyone takes the limits of his own vision for the limits of the world.

Arthur Schopenhauer

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Only he is successful in his business who makes that pursuit which affords him the highest pleasure sustain him.

Henry David Thoreau

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We’ve removed the ceiling above our dreams. There are no more impossible dreams.

Jesse Jackson

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“THE SMALL GIFT” by Morris Chalfant

A man on his golden wedding anniversary was asked the secret to his successful marriage.  The old man answered with a story.

Sarah, his wife, was the only girl he ever dated.  He grew up in an orphanage and had worked hard for everything he had.  He never had time to date until Sarah swept him off my feet.  Before he knew it, she had already managed to get him to ask for her hand in marriage.

Golden Anniversary!

After they had said our vows on the wedding day, Sarah’s father took him aside and handed him a small gift.  He said, “Within this gift is all you really need to know to have a happy marriage.”

The nervous young man opened the box to find a large golden watch.  With great care, he picked it up.  Upon close examination, he saw etched across the face of the watch was a prudent reminder he would see whenever he checked for the time – words, if heeded, held the secret to a successful marriage.

They read … “Say something nice to Sarah.”

MOTHER Vs DAUGHTER

A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom”.  With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.  It read:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams, too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter,
Judith

P.S.  Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card – it’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

IN A DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT … AFTER LEAVING HOME

I guess everyone can remember me speaking of my plans to graduate in America.  I’m on that quest now.  And this is a little something that happened after I left home to fulfill my destiny.

PROLOGUE: I am now in Yangon – I’ve been here for more than a fortnight.  I came here inevitably because all the things I need to do to get to the USA can be done only here, in this big city.  I’m living with my grandfather (86 years old) and my two aunts – both spinsters – but, fortunately, not in an apartment!  I have almost no problems with them because it is kind of homey in this house with close relatives and home is where you make it.  However, nobody can ever be like your family – your real family with your father, your mother and brothers and sisters.  I never feel homesick but a little something that happened a certain morning made me miss my family so much…

STORY (1) – Banana Allergy:

I AM ALLERGIC TO “BANANAS” – it sounds funny but I am!  It hasn’t been long since I found that out; it has been like only six months and I seldom eat fruits.  I am allergic especially to raw banana and anything that retains the original characteristics of bananas.  Whenever I eat raw bananas like most people do, I have an uncomfortable itch in my throat, get weird on the tongue, start having a stomach ache and the next thing that happens is … “vomiting”.  And I feel awful for about half of the whole day.  But nothing happens to me when I eat bananas that are fried, steamed or cooked in a certain way!

Bananas are now CHEEKY things for me!

One morning – some days after I arrived in Yangon and started living with my aunts and my grandpa – I happened to eat a banana after breakfast.  It was not a raw banana; it was grilled or barbecued (I don’t know which is the correct word).  My main course for breakfast was porridge.  And on the table was that tempting banana beckoning that it will taste great by its sweet smell.  When I was almost done with my breakfast, one of my aunts – not knowing about my allergy – said to me pointing at the banana, “You can eat it if you want to …”

And so, I went for it … and it tasted really good like I had expected it to.

Almost a quarter of an hour has passed when I started to feel uncomfortable on my tongue.  This feeling went down my throat as an awful itch.  Then, in a while, I had to rush to my bedroom upstairs for the toilet – my breakfast was about to come out of my mouth.  And it did … how disgusting! )= Since nobody knew what was happening to me, I had to finish the business myself.

When the whole thing was over, I went downstairs to recount the story to my aunts.  They just listened, said no particular thing, gave me two tablets of medicine and sent me off to rest in bed.  Lying in bed, I started to wonder what my father and mother would have done if this whole incidence happened at home.

I knew the answer…

We have a small family with four members and live in a small house.  And each knew what the others were up to and what was happening to the others.  Moreover, my parents were doting ones.  As soon as they see me run to the bathroom, my father or my mother would come and ask me what was wrong.  And when they find out, they would give me a massage on the back and shoulders to make things more comfortable.  They would give me water afterwards.  They would also bring me pills to take and take me to bed personally.  And one of them would lie down with me to talk.

STORY (2) – The Cold & the Fever:

Today, I find myself having a fever.  I had been sleeping with only a T-shirt and short pants on lately.  It all started the other night when the air conditioner in my room stopped working.  I went to sleep in one of my aunts’ room where the temperature was really low because of the air-con there.  I didn’t take my blanket or any warm clothing.  I could have changed the temperature setting of the air-con but I was too lazy to do that and it as 2:30 in the morning.

The thing that happened to me the next morning was a sore throat and a running nose; I had caught a cold.  And yet I went swimming to discover that I couldn’t sing in the shower anymore because of the pain in the throat.  Pity!  And I walked for quite a distance in the downtown area with which I am not familiar looking for a place.  I got tired at night … and now I’ve got a fever – not very high temperature though!

So what’s the big deal with having a fever?  No one will know … but I live in a house where you are scolded for catching a cold or having a fever.  I kept the cold a secret yesterday and tried to rest myself.  Today the secret had to be exposed – I needed medication and rest.  I couldn’t go swimming or to any place anymore.  Fortunately, the aunt who usually does the yelling at to the ones who don’t feel well is also feeling under the weather.  So it’s a “good-for-me”, “bad-for-her” thing!

My aunts seem to take care of me – they give me medicine and tell me to rest.  But their kind of care is nothing compared to that of my parents.  Besides their parental love and care, they both are really good doctors.  Their medication works better for me than any other.  I would be feeling well by now were I at home.  Here not all the pills to take have been bought yet.  Moreover, there’s no doctor.

All I can do is stay in bed and rest till I get better.  But I managed to type this whole post! (=

EPILOGUE: There is not as much love and care for me as I used to have back at home.  Madonna is right; The only thing you can depend on is “your family”.  I now have a new and different immediate family.  I have to do new things I have never done before and I have to cope with everything – the new things and the new people.  I may sound a bit verbose but I used to live my life with the best kind of parents there possibly is.  This might appear as a weakness for me to others, but I take it as a strength.  And I even hope every child on earth can live with parents like mine because every child deserves to.  But for now, I have to get back to bed to rest … and I should definitely avoid “Bananas”.