Category: Laugh out Loud


I recently read this marvellous joke written by a friend.  These aren’t the exact original words, but it’s as funny as the original.

Padestrian     : Taxi, taxi …
(Taxi stops for the prospective passanger.)
Taxi Driver   : Yes, sir?
Padestrian     : How much do you do you charge for a ride to the railway station from here?
Taxi Driver   : That would be 2,000 kyats, sir.
Padestrian     : What about my luggage?  Do I have to pay for it?
Taxi Driver   : No, sir, you don’t need to.
Padestrian     : Well, then, my good man, take my luggage … I’m walking to the station.

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LIVING DEAD

SOURCE: Jokes from Reader’s Digest

A man who had just died, arrived at heaven’s gate. Before allowing him entry, St. Peter asked him if he’d ever loved a woman.

“No,” the man replied, “not a single one.”

“Did you have a friend you cared for?”

“No.”

“Perhaps you loved a pet?  Did you not feel a love for nature?”

“No, not at all”

“What took you so long to get here?” asked St. Peter in exclamation.  “You’ve been dead for ages!”

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby.

“The lift will be down presently,” the receptionist told him.
“The lift?” said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator?”
“No, I mean the lift,” replied the Englishman.
“I think I should know what it is called,” said the American. “Elevators were invented in the States.”
“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But we invented the language.”

Union Stars & Stripes Jack

A university professor once said, "There are no such things as American English and British English - it's either English or American. And we only have the English department at school."

CONSECUTIVE NUMBERS

A lunatic asylum was noisy with the patients shouting a certain number.  They were saying, “37 … 37 … 37 …!”

A doctor, being annoyed, turned to the patients and asked, “Why is the reason that you all are yelling that number, 37?”

In unison, the patients pointed at the floor above.  And so, the doctor went up the stairs to find out.  There on the nest floor, he found the patients shouting the same number as well.  He asked the same question.  The patients gave the same reply by pointing at the next floor.  Then, he went up the stairs again to the next level.  This way, he climbed to the 4th level to find all the patients in each floor shouting, “37 … 37 … 37 …!”

When the doctor had reached the top level –which is the 4th – and had asked the patients his questions, one of the patients pointed out the window at something on the grown.  Finally, he was getting something.  He bent over to look down the stairs.  Suddenly, the patients standing near him grabbed him and threw him down the windows.

And then they all cried, “38 … 38 … 38 …!”

NOTE: I translated this form Burmese into English so there might be some odd language usages in it.

I found these really awesome and paradoxical punchlines which can make you laugh through MetaCafe.

1. I’m a nobody.  Nobody is perfect, and therefore, I’m perfect.
2. I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.
3. If I save time, when will I get it back?
4. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
5. I am free of all prejudices: I hate everyone equally.
6. Take my advice. I don’t use it anyway.
7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work.
11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
15. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

THESE THINGS HAPPEN

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers.  He became dismayed after reading the enclosed card that expressed “Deepest sympathy”.  While he was puzzling over the message, his phone rang.  It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

“Oh, it’s Okay!” said the storekeeper.  “I’m a businessman – I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” the florist added.  “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral.”

“Well, what’d it say?”

“Congratulations on your new location,” was the reply.

MOTHER Vs DAUGHTER

A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, Mom.  With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.  It read:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams, too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter,
Judith

P.S.  Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card – it’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

I WANT TO HEAR THEM SAY

He wanted to be remembered this way.

He wanted to be remembered this way.

Three friends died in a traffic accident and they go to an orientation in Heaven.  They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The 1st guy: I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The 2nd guy: I want to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The 3rd guy: I want them to say … “Look, he’s moving!”

TITANIC QUIZZ

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.  They were informed by St Peter that they would each have to answer a question in order to get into Heaven.

St Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crushed into an iceberg?  They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be Titanic.”

St Peter let him through the gate.  He, then, turned to the garbage man.  Having decided to make the question harder, “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately, for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.”

“That’s right!  You may enter.”

St Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “What were their names?”

EURO ENGLISH

The European Union (EU) commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.  As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard “c” will be replased with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar shanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plase!

(Translation: And after the fifth year, we will all be speaking German like they wanted in the first place!)